For the first time since the break up I feel grounded in the direction I want to go. My life once again is on a path and I'm excited about the journey just as much as the destination. Now that I've mapped out a path I feel the next obstacle is practicing following it. I have a great history of routing out my goals and achieving them so I'm not totally worried, but for some dang reasons boys and laziness are so tempting! Thankfully, when I take a step back they are fairly straight forward.
I struggle with laziness when I get burnt out. I am human and I have to ensure I am replenishing my body and soul, smelling the flowers as I race towards deadlines.This means being realistic when scheduling and prioritizing. I can do anything -- just not everything!
I am back on the hunt for the man of my dreams, the father of my children. All I feel I need to do is turn my focus from immediate companionship, temporary possibilities and Adam to that which I deeply desire. I am looking for someone who is mentally strong/stable and compassionate, who is full of passion and shares a connection with something greater than himself. I am looking for a man with a big heart who plans on having a large family. I want someone who is driven by love over pride, money or really anything else. I also have realized I want a man who loves me compeltely for who I am and would not change anything about me. I have no idea how long it will take me to find someone, yet as I mentioned in my previous post I am willing to wait. The difference this time is that I feel I know specifically what I am waiting for though I have no idea who.
There are so many things that take my attention and I'd love to them all but I have to prioritize on focus on following that which I am most passionate about. By choosing school, college pro, time with friends/family and time taking care of myself shows just how important I value those things over anything else I could be doing. This motivates me to make the most of my time and enjoy what I have chosen to do!
I am thankful I have remained optimistic regarding men. Some of them have issues and are just plain not cool, but I have connections with some pretty amazing fellas! Guys can be thoughtful, funny, smart, kind, creative and many more wonderful human traits. However, I cannot marry all of them! Similar to prioritizing my schedule, I think by keeping the man of my dreams as a priority I am proving how important he is/will be in my life! When I do choose the man he knows he didn't just luck out but that I sought him out and that I specifically chose him. I've learned it can be a difficult process and that I have to take into account what we both value and look for in a partner. Neither Joe nor I have what the other is really looking for. Mike had strong feelings for me, but he didn't offer what I was looking for. I had strong feelings for Adam, but I didn't offer what he needs. It's how it goes and I am definitely going to be more aware. I really hope I don't have my heart broken again; being selective and purposefully searching for someone will hopefully improve my odds and that's realistically all that I can truly hope for.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Bad news blues.
The last couple years were so wonderful, I hope I appreciated it when I had it. Since September things have been up and down and just so so so sideways.
Dream come true.
Friends.
Lover.
University.
What happened?
Anxiety.
Fighting.
School.
Job. No job.
Business?
Group fitness?
Personal training?
Sudden death.
Break up.
Couch surf.
Move.
Hospital?
Brother?
Suicidal.
Abused.
Broken.
Help?
Drugs.
Abandoned.
Assistance?
Alone.
Silence.
Help?
Cousins.
Extended support.
Immediate deficiency.
Birthday.Birthday.Birthday.
Cancer.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Worth the wait.
I think the time is coming to practice what I preach.
I have had the opportunity over the last couple of years especially to learn many lessons. I would argue that I have over come quite a bit and now have the opportunity to test out my new found philosophy.
I believe that anything is possible. I believe that life is short and that you need to follow your dreams, dive into your passion and make the most out of every day. I believe that family and friends are sacred gifts from God that need to be treated as such. I believe in tackling things as soon as possible so that they do not get away from you. I believe in choosing faith over worry, making changes rather than complaining and accepting things that are out of your control.
Therefore, I believe that I can excel in school. I am passionate about these subjects and can be disciplined enough to do quite well. University itself is one of my dreams and I am going to take advantage of the fact that I have made it this far. It is only one of the many steps to reaching my current dream of running a retreat center and therefore is something I believe in dedicating as much time as needed to it. I am passionate about fitness and believe that I can help people through group fitness and personal training as well as through my own lifestyle through inspiring and driving them to be the best they can. My dream is also to run my own business and be my own boss and I am going to prove to myself that I can be successful at it through my role in College Pro. God has dropped this amazing opportunity into my lap and I am going to grab on tight and enjoy the ride!
I am living with my sister and am constantly reminded that she has so much to teach me. I also live close to the rest of my siblings and know that these three beautiful people are my family. They always have been there and always will be. I would like to embrace that this year and actively love them in any way that I can. My friends have also proven to be family to me and their relationships are a high priority for me. Furthermore, my cousins are a huge support and I will make sure to spend quality time with them as a sign of appreciation and gratitude for having them as part of my life.
I also have felt the power of love in the romantic sense. The overwhelming feeling of being in love. Last year, I made certain decisions and took certain risks because I believed that Adam was worth the risk. My strongest desire for the future is to create a strong, healthy, loving family. This is a big deal to me. I would do anything to have that. I worried that if Adam and I did break up then I would view our time together as a waste, but I was wrong. I am glad I made the decisions that I did because my intention were valid. Number one, he made me happy and I wanted to pursue that. Number two, it really could have turned into that loving family I have pictured in my head and I didn't let fear stop me from trying. Number three, I learned a lot and am that much closer to truly finding "the one." Now, I still am not convinced that Adam isn't "the one." The potential that he still could be "the one" lingers and keeps me thinking that he is still worth the risk. I am going to continue to pursue my dreams, yet as being open to a relationship with him does not impose on any of them I believe it is still something I will pursue. This break up has accelerated my understanding of many things, and I believe this time apart could quite possibly be necessary to grow and learn in ways that will help our relationship in the future. I believe that this time can be beneficial to him as well. It depends on the choices we make and who we grow to be. Perhaps we will grow in separate directions and will find new partners on our new paths. However, perhaps after we are ready we will reconnect. With all this in mind I am going to take advantage of this time and work on becoming the most beautiful person I can be. I plan on marrying an amazing guy, who deserves the best. Not that I will ever be perfect, but I definitely can work on some things. Being with Adam highlighted some of my shortcomings and I am choosing to be happy to swallow that pill and do some self improving. I think Adam is a great guy who deserves the best and I believe he will find it. In the end, I know that whether it is Adam or not, someone will decide that I am the best for them and they will in turn be the best for me. And that, my friend, is worth the wait.
I have had the opportunity over the last couple of years especially to learn many lessons. I would argue that I have over come quite a bit and now have the opportunity to test out my new found philosophy.
I believe that anything is possible. I believe that life is short and that you need to follow your dreams, dive into your passion and make the most out of every day. I believe that family and friends are sacred gifts from God that need to be treated as such. I believe in tackling things as soon as possible so that they do not get away from you. I believe in choosing faith over worry, making changes rather than complaining and accepting things that are out of your control.
Therefore, I believe that I can excel in school. I am passionate about these subjects and can be disciplined enough to do quite well. University itself is one of my dreams and I am going to take advantage of the fact that I have made it this far. It is only one of the many steps to reaching my current dream of running a retreat center and therefore is something I believe in dedicating as much time as needed to it. I am passionate about fitness and believe that I can help people through group fitness and personal training as well as through my own lifestyle through inspiring and driving them to be the best they can. My dream is also to run my own business and be my own boss and I am going to prove to myself that I can be successful at it through my role in College Pro. God has dropped this amazing opportunity into my lap and I am going to grab on tight and enjoy the ride!
I am living with my sister and am constantly reminded that she has so much to teach me. I also live close to the rest of my siblings and know that these three beautiful people are my family. They always have been there and always will be. I would like to embrace that this year and actively love them in any way that I can. My friends have also proven to be family to me and their relationships are a high priority for me. Furthermore, my cousins are a huge support and I will make sure to spend quality time with them as a sign of appreciation and gratitude for having them as part of my life.
I also have felt the power of love in the romantic sense. The overwhelming feeling of being in love. Last year, I made certain decisions and took certain risks because I believed that Adam was worth the risk. My strongest desire for the future is to create a strong, healthy, loving family. This is a big deal to me. I would do anything to have that. I worried that if Adam and I did break up then I would view our time together as a waste, but I was wrong. I am glad I made the decisions that I did because my intention were valid. Number one, he made me happy and I wanted to pursue that. Number two, it really could have turned into that loving family I have pictured in my head and I didn't let fear stop me from trying. Number three, I learned a lot and am that much closer to truly finding "the one." Now, I still am not convinced that Adam isn't "the one." The potential that he still could be "the one" lingers and keeps me thinking that he is still worth the risk. I am going to continue to pursue my dreams, yet as being open to a relationship with him does not impose on any of them I believe it is still something I will pursue. This break up has accelerated my understanding of many things, and I believe this time apart could quite possibly be necessary to grow and learn in ways that will help our relationship in the future. I believe that this time can be beneficial to him as well. It depends on the choices we make and who we grow to be. Perhaps we will grow in separate directions and will find new partners on our new paths. However, perhaps after we are ready we will reconnect. With all this in mind I am going to take advantage of this time and work on becoming the most beautiful person I can be. I plan on marrying an amazing guy, who deserves the best. Not that I will ever be perfect, but I definitely can work on some things. Being with Adam highlighted some of my shortcomings and I am choosing to be happy to swallow that pill and do some self improving. I think Adam is a great guy who deserves the best and I believe he will find it. In the end, I know that whether it is Adam or not, someone will decide that I am the best for them and they will in turn be the best for me. And that, my friend, is worth the wait.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Reality Check
"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything -- all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure -- these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. ... Stay hungry. Stay foolish." -Steve Jobs
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