The hardest part is behind me now.
I don`t know what tomorrow will bring and I`m not going to worry about that. I am going to experience today. What I have and what I know. Tomorrow is not a reality - what is the purpose of wasting today worrying about something that only exists in my mind?
I was going through a difficult situation, but my situation is good now, amazing actually. I have been having great days and I am going to take advantage of them. No more crying about yesterday or tomorrow. I am here, now and that is all there is to it.
Reality is a funny thing and has different meanings to different people. Everyone has a different view of reality. I am going to live in a loving, cheerful reality. I accept that life has it`s low points but I refuse to continue to live that as my reality. I accept that life also has great amazing indescribable parts and that`s the reality I chose to enjoy. I am not in denial, I am just choosing my focus. When I have a bad day I`ll have a bad day. But today has not been a bad day, I have just been stuck in previous days.
Today I choose to be loving. I chose to listen. I choose to open my heart. I have not been hurt today, today I have been loved. It doesn`t matter what happened 10 years ago, last year or even yesterday. Today is a new day. I`m sure we`ve all heard that one before ;)
No longer will I let lies from another reality filter into my bliss and taint it with insecurity and pain. I am good enough. I am loved. I have great friends and I can depend on people. Things are getting better and I am always improving. I am beautiful and there is so much happiness dwelling within me.
Today, in this moment I have decided to be caring nice and considerate and therefore I am. I am human and choose to humbly accept my imperfections, always doing the best that I can to be the best possible me. I am removing myself of the expectations and standards I have internalized from my old reality. I just want to love. That is enough.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Vomit on the page.
I cannot focus. All I can think about is Adam.
I have a paper due tomorrow and a midterm in 3 hours. All I can think about is him.
It's been a week since he severed the hopeful strings keeping my heart together.
Since then I've been surrounded by friends. I've cried, starved, exercised, ate chocolate and talked. Man have I talked. I've cleaned, done presentations, started a group fitness practicum, and found a new place to live - even bought a couch! I'm fairly impressed that I've kept moving, though I guess there wasn't really another option.
Now, I feel as though I've hit a wall. I have stopped moving forward. I can sleep and eat and have stopped crying. But I can't stop thinking about him. It doesn't help that I have to live with him for 2 more weeks. Originally he said he would stay with family until I moved out, but it turned out to be too much of a hassle for him. So here I am, living with my ex-boyfriend in a one bedroom apartment.
I am in love with him. Head over heels, deeply entranced. Being around him still brings me so much joy, and it confuses the shit out of me. As far as I can tell, we've been getting along great. He makes me laugh and I still get fricken butterfly's in my stomach. We flirt! Make sexual innuendos! We hug goodnight and I swear we'd still be cuddling at night or more if I didn't keep the boundaries.
He's just so used to physical contact I think it's hard for him. Especially since I'm so close and obviously deadly attractive. It kills me though because I want those things so badly. I never wanted to be away from him. He broke up with me and I feel like I'm the only one following through with his wishes. I feel like I'm breaking up with him.
I feel as though all he wants is the perks of a relationship without dealing with the reality side of it. He wants someone to cuddle and fool around with, he wants company and someone to laugh with. But that's all he wants and will accept. He treated me like shit and after he admitted that, he flat out said he just doesn't care. He said he's not interested in anything I have to say and told me he can't handle crying. He is not able to play a significant role in my life until he plays a significant role in his own.
I am an amazing girlfriend. I bake regularly, make him breakfast and lunch quite often, do all his chores, split all the bills and bought him a trip to Vegas with his friends! I am a strong, beautiful woman with a great future ahead of me. I am hard working and kind. I am flexible and love trying new things. But I am not perfect. No one is. It is not okay that he only wants the best parts of me.
If he can't handle me at my worst, he does not deserve me at my best.
I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying not to sell myself short for anything less than I deserve, but it's hard because I want him so immensely. Living with him is such a tease and creates an insane mental battle within my head as I struggle to determine what exactly is going on.
He said he needed to be single and work his own stuff out. I think that will be hard until I move out because essentially nothing has changed yet. I don't know if either of us can move on while we are under the same roof. I think we have great chemistry and honestly I think we are meant to be together. So trying to be single while under the same roof dances on the line of impossible.
We'll manage. Two weeks will be up before we realize. He broke up with me and caused me a lot of pain. I don't feel as though I should forget that so soon. I need to let myself heal before I consider getting back together with him. He needs to get his shit together before he can be with me. I really don't want to lose him, but at the time being I suppose I have already lost him. He is not mine and I am not his. I need to stop clinging to the past and focus on where we are at right now. It hurts and it is going to hurt. Life has a way of working itself out though and turning sucky situations into blessings in ways we could never imagine.
I have a paper due tomorrow and a midterm in 3 hours. All I can think about is him.
It's been a week since he severed the hopeful strings keeping my heart together.
Since then I've been surrounded by friends. I've cried, starved, exercised, ate chocolate and talked. Man have I talked. I've cleaned, done presentations, started a group fitness practicum, and found a new place to live - even bought a couch! I'm fairly impressed that I've kept moving, though I guess there wasn't really another option.
Now, I feel as though I've hit a wall. I have stopped moving forward. I can sleep and eat and have stopped crying. But I can't stop thinking about him. It doesn't help that I have to live with him for 2 more weeks. Originally he said he would stay with family until I moved out, but it turned out to be too much of a hassle for him. So here I am, living with my ex-boyfriend in a one bedroom apartment.
I am in love with him. Head over heels, deeply entranced. Being around him still brings me so much joy, and it confuses the shit out of me. As far as I can tell, we've been getting along great. He makes me laugh and I still get fricken butterfly's in my stomach. We flirt! Make sexual innuendos! We hug goodnight and I swear we'd still be cuddling at night or more if I didn't keep the boundaries.
He's just so used to physical contact I think it's hard for him. Especially since I'm so close and obviously deadly attractive. It kills me though because I want those things so badly. I never wanted to be away from him. He broke up with me and I feel like I'm the only one following through with his wishes. I feel like I'm breaking up with him.
I feel as though all he wants is the perks of a relationship without dealing with the reality side of it. He wants someone to cuddle and fool around with, he wants company and someone to laugh with. But that's all he wants and will accept. He treated me like shit and after he admitted that, he flat out said he just doesn't care. He said he's not interested in anything I have to say and told me he can't handle crying. He is not able to play a significant role in my life until he plays a significant role in his own.
I am an amazing girlfriend. I bake regularly, make him breakfast and lunch quite often, do all his chores, split all the bills and bought him a trip to Vegas with his friends! I am a strong, beautiful woman with a great future ahead of me. I am hard working and kind. I am flexible and love trying new things. But I am not perfect. No one is. It is not okay that he only wants the best parts of me.
If he can't handle me at my worst, he does not deserve me at my best.
I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying not to sell myself short for anything less than I deserve, but it's hard because I want him so immensely. Living with him is such a tease and creates an insane mental battle within my head as I struggle to determine what exactly is going on.
He said he needed to be single and work his own stuff out. I think that will be hard until I move out because essentially nothing has changed yet. I don't know if either of us can move on while we are under the same roof. I think we have great chemistry and honestly I think we are meant to be together. So trying to be single while under the same roof dances on the line of impossible.
We'll manage. Two weeks will be up before we realize. He broke up with me and caused me a lot of pain. I don't feel as though I should forget that so soon. I need to let myself heal before I consider getting back together with him. He needs to get his shit together before he can be with me. I really don't want to lose him, but at the time being I suppose I have already lost him. He is not mine and I am not his. I need to stop clinging to the past and focus on where we are at right now. It hurts and it is going to hurt. Life has a way of working itself out though and turning sucky situations into blessings in ways we could never imagine.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Two is better than one. :)
Update?
I have just been certified as a personal trainer. I am a waitress and the tips are pretty sweet. I'm working more than full time between the 2/3 jobs. In order to save money and stay in shape I cycle everywhere, even though I live on a mountain. So far I have just under $6000 saved for school plus $2000 in scholarships! I am going to the Philippines in less than two weeks for two weeks. I'm going to Burnaby today with one of my best friends to start looking at places to live and getting information about the co-op program, then we're having a game night with a bunch of friends.
My room is a mess. I have been trying to keep it clean, but it just gets away from me. I have been working out at the gym 1-2 times a week which is pathetic for a 'personal trainer.' I feel as though I am lacking in information about training due to my lack of gym time and study time, so all the money I put into the classes is a waste of money right now. I haven't even finished my group fitness certification because I haven't gone to enough group classes over the last 3 months. I've lost my house and bike keys - so I was forced to leave my bike at the last job site I was at and have been bumming my boyfriend's car off of him. I forgot to give my brother his grad gift - even though I've had 2 opportunities too. I can't keep up with the diet plan Kelsey and I have. I can't find my phone once every 1-2 weeks. Though it sounds like I have a lot saved I'm worried I'll either go into debt or have to work too much while I'm in school as it's not enough yet to pay for my expenses.
I love my boyfriend. Adam is far from perfect but he might likely be the sweetest guy ever. Knowing at the end of the day that I will go into his arms makes everything brighter. Honestly, when I'm with him, all of my problems are smaller or disappear because the happiness and support he offers is so overpowering. Not only am I head over heels in love with him, I trust him. I do. It's not easy for me to trust - it does take a little effort. But I feel that is okay because I'm new at this trusting boys thing. I have always focused on the fact that, me being vulnerable and them being human, mistakes and pain would ensue. However, just because he's human and has the potential, doesn't mean he's GOING to hurt me. Like a strong friendship, misunderstandings happen but you work through them and come out stronger because of how much you truly care about and need each other. I know Adam loves me for the right reasons, and I have faith that he will always be there fore me. He loves me back.
Growing vs. Grown
Where am I?
Where am I going?
Where to do I want to be?
Where do I want to go?
What's important to me?
What do I value?
Are there limitations?
I'm living with my boyfriend and his family. I'm working, trying to save up for school but not reaching the amount that I was hoping for. It's weird that I don't have more money in the bank because I feel as though I am working ALL THE TIME. I'm sleeping with my boyfriend but I thought I believed firmly in waiting till marriage for that type of intamicy. I'm in a state of confusion.
I'm going to school in September - Burnaby or Surrey; probably should figure out the city. I'm going to be working and going to school. Hopefully not working too much.
I want to be in Africa. I want to be helping others. I want to be making a difference.
What's important to me?
What do I value?
Are there limitations?
Where am I going?
Where to do I want to be?
Where do I want to go?
What's important to me?
What do I value?
Are there limitations?
I'm living with my boyfriend and his family. I'm working, trying to save up for school but not reaching the amount that I was hoping for. It's weird that I don't have more money in the bank because I feel as though I am working ALL THE TIME. I'm sleeping with my boyfriend but I thought I believed firmly in waiting till marriage for that type of intamicy. I'm in a state of confusion.
I'm going to school in September - Burnaby or Surrey; probably should figure out the city. I'm going to be working and going to school. Hopefully not working too much.
I want to be in Africa. I want to be helping others. I want to be making a difference.
What's important to me?
What do I value?
Are there limitations?
Sand, slipping through out fingers
"but somehow, i just had to try. because if we don't try, we don't do.
and if we don't do, why are we here on this earth? " - charlie anderson
(shenandoah)
Time. TIMETIMETIMETIMETIME.
Stretched so far, often lost track of and speeding by faster than any of us can keep up with, time is something difficult to grasp - like a word said too many times too fast, it loses its identity.
How shall we spend it?
Time. TIMETIMETIMETIMETIME.
Stretched so far, often lost track of and speeding by faster than any of us can keep up with, time is something difficult to grasp - like a word said too many times too fast, it loses its identity.
How shall we spend it?
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Marathon of life
Weighted down.
Running a marathon.
Ahead
Stumble
Confusion
Behind.
Exhausted,
Where is the finish line?
_____________________
Running a marathon.
Ahead
Stumble
Confusion
Behind.
Exhausted,
Where is the finish line?
_____________________
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
EMOTIONS
Driving, emotionally exhausted, in the dark. Recklessly, my eyes have left the road - lost in the flickering lights scattered behind the roadside trees. The farther up the mountain, the more magical the scene. My chest yearns for comfort; an urge to be home suddenly arises.
I just want to be home. Then suddenly completly lost in the world, I wonder where that exactly is.
In Surrey where I was raised, where my parents and siblings and longest friendships abide?
The island where I grew up and found a family in my friends?
The Beulens` household where I found close family in my extended family and unabiding happiness?
Or to the warmth of my new, shared, bed?
I just want to be home. Then suddenly completly lost in the world, I wonder where that exactly is.
In Surrey where I was raised, where my parents and siblings and longest friendships abide?
The island where I grew up and found a family in my friends?
The Beulens` household where I found close family in my extended family and unabiding happiness?
Or to the warmth of my new, shared, bed?
Monday, January 23, 2012
For a girl named Raven.
THERE IS JUST SO MUCH GOING ON RIGHT NOW!
But.... I'm not stressed. I am tired as hell, but I. am. happy. Time is speeding by, but I'm allowing time for WANTS versus NEEDS. I am spending time just enjoying myself and being happy rather than constantly, 100% of the time, being focused on being productive and 'getting ahead.' I feel as though play time is coming to an end, however. In order for me to get to where I want to go, I'm going to need more drive. I'm learning a new balancing act.
One that includes Adam.
Now, I don't want to be over dramatic and corny, online especially, but Raven wants an update about what's going through my mind. And, to be honest, he's a pretty big part of my thought pattern. :P Yesterday was our "one month anniversary"-awwweee how special ;)- and I promised myself I would stop babbling about him after that, but it's only a day late and I'm going to make an exception.
I don't even know where to begin... Should I begin with Christine's party? When we both were drunk and horny but spent hours getting to know each other by talking? Or should I start with our date last Saturday night which went until 5 in the morning? Guess what we spent hours doing at his house after the movies? Talking. Getting to know each other. How can I include our discussions on a future, religion, marriage and kids with out seeming insane? Can I convey the respect in his touch? How do I describe how close we've become, how much I like him? Love seems to cover everything nicely :)
I'm analyzing all of my plans - plans for school, travel, careers... family... - and imagining how to fit that swell little man into my mass of dreams.
So .. um... yeah :)
But.... I'm not stressed. I am tired as hell, but I. am. happy. Time is speeding by, but I'm allowing time for WANTS versus NEEDS. I am spending time just enjoying myself and being happy rather than constantly, 100% of the time, being focused on being productive and 'getting ahead.' I feel as though play time is coming to an end, however. In order for me to get to where I want to go, I'm going to need more drive. I'm learning a new balancing act.
One that includes Adam.
Now, I don't want to be over dramatic and corny, online especially, but Raven wants an update about what's going through my mind. And, to be honest, he's a pretty big part of my thought pattern. :P Yesterday was our "one month anniversary"-awwweee how special ;)- and I promised myself I would stop babbling about him after that, but it's only a day late and I'm going to make an exception.
I don't even know where to begin... Should I begin with Christine's party? When we both were drunk and horny but spent hours getting to know each other by talking? Or should I start with our date last Saturday night which went until 5 in the morning? Guess what we spent hours doing at his house after the movies? Talking. Getting to know each other. How can I include our discussions on a future, religion, marriage and kids with out seeming insane? Can I convey the respect in his touch? How do I describe how close we've become, how much I like him? Love seems to cover everything nicely :)
I'm analyzing all of my plans - plans for school, travel, careers... family... - and imagining how to fit that swell little man into my mass of dreams.
So .. um... yeah :)
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