I cannot focus. All I can think about is Adam.
I have a paper due tomorrow and a midterm in 3 hours. All I can think about is him.
It's been a week since he severed the hopeful strings keeping my heart together.
Since then I've been surrounded by friends. I've cried, starved, exercised, ate chocolate and talked. Man have I talked. I've cleaned, done presentations, started a group fitness practicum, and found a new place to live - even bought a couch! I'm fairly impressed that I've kept moving, though I guess there wasn't really another option.
Now, I feel as though I've hit a wall. I have stopped moving forward. I can sleep and eat and have stopped crying. But I can't stop thinking about him. It doesn't help that I have to live with him for 2 more weeks. Originally he said he would stay with family until I moved out, but it turned out to be too much of a hassle for him. So here I am, living with my ex-boyfriend in a one bedroom apartment.
I am in love with him. Head over heels, deeply entranced. Being around him still brings me so much joy, and it confuses the shit out of me. As far as I can tell, we've been getting along great. He makes me laugh and I still get fricken butterfly's in my stomach. We flirt! Make sexual innuendos! We hug goodnight and I swear we'd still be cuddling at night or more if I didn't keep the boundaries.
He's just so used to physical contact I think it's hard for him. Especially since I'm so close and obviously deadly attractive. It kills me though because I want those things so badly. I never wanted to be away from him. He broke up with me and I feel like I'm the only one following through with his wishes. I feel like I'm breaking up with him.
I feel as though all he wants is the perks of a relationship without dealing with the reality side of it. He wants someone to cuddle and fool around with, he wants company and someone to laugh with. But that's all he wants and will accept. He treated me like shit and after he admitted that, he flat out said he just doesn't care. He said he's not interested in anything I have to say and told me he can't handle crying. He is not able to play a significant role in my life until he plays a significant role in his own.
I am an amazing girlfriend. I bake regularly, make him breakfast and lunch quite often, do all his chores, split all the bills and bought him a trip to Vegas with his friends! I am a strong, beautiful woman with a great future ahead of me. I am hard working and kind. I am flexible and love trying new things. But I am not perfect. No one is. It is not okay that he only wants the best parts of me.
If he can't handle me at my worst, he does not deserve me at my best.
I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying not to sell myself short for anything less than I deserve, but it's hard because I want him so immensely. Living with him is such a tease and creates an insane mental battle within my head as I struggle to determine what exactly is going on.
He said he needed to be single and work his own stuff out. I think that will be hard until I move out because essentially nothing has changed yet. I don't know if either of us can move on while we are under the same roof. I think we have great chemistry and honestly I think we are meant to be together. So trying to be single while under the same roof dances on the line of impossible.
We'll manage. Two weeks will be up before we realize. He broke up with me and caused me a lot of pain. I don't feel as though I should forget that so soon. I need to let myself heal before I consider getting back together with him. He needs to get his shit together before he can be with me. I really don't want to lose him, but at the time being I suppose I have already lost him. He is not mine and I am not his. I need to stop clinging to the past and focus on where we are at right now. It hurts and it is going to hurt. Life has a way of working itself out though and turning sucky situations into blessings in ways we could never imagine.
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