Make way for dreams

For the first time since the break up I feel grounded in the direction I want to go. My life once again is on a path and I'm excited about the journey just as much as the destination. Now that I've mapped out a path I feel the next obstacle is practicing following it. I have a great history of routing out my goals and achieving them so I'm not totally worried, but for some dang reasons boys and laziness are so tempting! Thankfully, when I take a step back they are fairly straight forward.

I struggle with laziness when I get burnt out. I am human and I have to ensure I am replenishing my body and soul, smelling the flowers as I race towards deadlines.This means being realistic when scheduling and prioritizing. I can do anything -- just not everything!

I am back on the hunt for the man of my dreams, the father of my children. All I feel I need to do is turn my focus from immediate companionship, temporary possibilities and Adam to that which I deeply desire. I am looking for someone who is mentally strong/stable and compassionate, who is full of passion and shares a connection with something greater than himself. I am looking for a man with a big heart who plans on having a large family. I want someone who is driven by love over pride, money or really anything else. I also have realized I want a man who loves me compeltely for who I am and would not change anything about me. I have no idea how long it will take me to find someone, yet as I mentioned in my previous post I am willing to wait. The difference this time is that I feel I know specifically what I am waiting for though I have no idea who.

There are so many things that take my attention and I'd love to them all but I have to prioritize on focus on following that which I am most passionate about. By choosing school, college pro, time with friends/family and time taking care of myself shows just how important I value those things over anything else I could be doing. This motivates me to make the most of my time and enjoy what I have chosen to do!

I am thankful I have remained optimistic regarding men. Some of them have issues and are just plain not cool, but I have connections with some pretty amazing fellas! Guys can be thoughtful, funny, smart, kind, creative and many more wonderful human traits. However, I cannot marry all of them! Similar to prioritizing my schedule, I think by keeping the man of my dreams as a priority I am proving how important he is/will be in my life! When I do choose the man he knows he didn't just luck out but that I sought him out and that I specifically chose him. I've learned it can be a difficult process and that I have to take into account what we both value and look for in a partner. Neither Joe nor I have what the other is really looking for. Mike had strong feelings for me, but he didn't offer what I was looking for. I had strong feelings for Adam, but I didn't offer what he needs. It's how it goes and I am definitely going to be more aware. I really hope I don't have my heart broken again; being selective and purposefully searching for someone will hopefully improve my odds and that's realistically all that I can truly hope for.

Bad news blues.

The last couple years were so wonderful, I hope I appreciated it when I had it. Since September things have been up and down and just so so so sideways.

Dream come true.

Friends.

Lover.

University.

What happened?

Anxiety.

Fighting.

School.

Job. No job.

Business?

Group fitness?

Personal training?

Sudden death.

Break up.

Couch surf.

Move.

Hospital?

Brother?

Suicidal.

Abused.

Broken.

Help?

Drugs.

Abandoned. 

Assistance?

Alone.

Silence.

Help?

Cousins.

Extended support.

Immediate deficiency.

Birthday.Birthday.Birthday.

Cancer.

Worth the wait.

I think the time is coming to practice what I preach.

I have had the opportunity over the last couple of years especially to learn many lessons. I would argue that I have over come quite a bit and now have the opportunity to test out my new found philosophy.

I believe that anything is possible. I believe that life is short and that you need to follow your dreams, dive into your passion and make the most out of every day. I believe that family and friends are sacred gifts from God that need to be treated as such. I believe in tackling things as soon as possible so that they do not get away from you. I believe in choosing faith over worry, making changes rather than complaining and accepting things that are out of your control.

Therefore, I believe that I can excel in school. I am passionate about these subjects and can be disciplined enough to do quite well. University itself is one of my dreams and I am going to take advantage of the fact that I have made it this far. It is only one of the many steps to reaching my current dream of running a retreat center and therefore is something I believe in dedicating as much time as needed to it. I am passionate about fitness and believe that I can help people through group fitness and personal training as well as through my own lifestyle through inspiring and driving them to be the best they can. My dream is also to run my own business and be my own boss and I am going to prove to myself that I can be successful at it through my role in College Pro. God has dropped this amazing opportunity into my lap and I am going to grab on tight and enjoy the ride!

I am living with my sister and am constantly reminded that she has so much to teach me. I also live close to the rest of my siblings and know that these three beautiful people are my family. They always have been there and always will be. I would like to embrace that this year and actively love them in any way that I can. My friends have also proven to be family to me and their relationships are a high priority for me. Furthermore, my cousins are a huge support and I will make sure to spend quality time with them as a sign of appreciation and gratitude for having them as part of my life.

I also have felt the power of love in the romantic sense. The overwhelming feeling of being in love. Last year, I made certain decisions and took certain risks because I believed that Adam was worth the risk. My strongest desire for the future is to create a strong, healthy, loving family. This is a big deal to me. I would do anything to have that. I worried that if Adam and I did break up then I would view our time together as a waste, but I was wrong. I am glad I made the decisions that I did because my intention were valid. Number one, he made me happy and I wanted to pursue that. Number two, it really could have turned into that loving family I have pictured in my head and I didn't let fear stop me from trying. Number three, I learned a lot and am that much closer to truly finding "the one." Now, I still am not convinced that Adam isn't "the one." The potential that he still could be "the one" lingers and keeps me thinking that he is still worth the risk. I am going to continue to pursue my dreams, yet as being open to a relationship with him does not impose on any of them I believe it is still something I will pursue. This break up has accelerated my understanding of many things, and I believe this time apart could quite possibly be necessary to grow and learn in ways that will help our relationship in the future. I believe that this time can be beneficial to him as well. It depends on the choices we make and who we grow to be. Perhaps we will grow in separate directions and  will find new partners on our new paths. However, perhaps after we are ready we will reconnect. With all this in mind I am going to take advantage of this time and work on becoming the most beautiful person I can be. I plan on marrying an amazing guy, who deserves the best. Not that I will ever be perfect, but I definitely can work on some things. Being with Adam highlighted some of my shortcomings and I am choosing to be happy to swallow that pill and do some self improving. I think Adam is a great guy who deserves the best and I believe he will find it. In the end, I know that whether it is Adam or not, someone will decide that I am the best for them and they will in turn be the best for me. And that, my friend, is worth the wait.

Reality Check

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything -- all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure -- these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. ... Stay hungry. Stay foolish." -Steve Jobs

Today is a new day. :)

The hardest part is behind me now.

I don`t know what tomorrow will bring and I`m not going to worry about that. I am going to experience today. What I have and what I know. Tomorrow is not a reality - what is the purpose of wasting today worrying about something that only exists in my mind?

I was going through a difficult situation, but my situation is good now, amazing actually. I have been having great days and I am going to take advantage of them. No more crying about yesterday or tomorrow. I am here, now and that is all there is to it.

Reality is a funny thing and has different meanings to different people. Everyone has a different view of reality. I am going to live in a loving, cheerful reality. I accept that life has it`s low points but I refuse to continue to live that as my reality. I accept that life also has great amazing indescribable parts and that`s the reality I chose to enjoy. I am not in denial, I am just choosing my focus. When I have a bad day I`ll have a bad day. But today has not been a bad day, I have just been stuck in previous days.

Today I choose to be loving. I chose to listen. I choose to open my heart. I have not been hurt today, today I have been loved. It doesn`t matter what happened 10 years ago, last year or even yesterday. Today is a new day. I`m sure we`ve all heard that one before ;)

No longer will I let lies from another reality filter into my bliss and taint it with insecurity and pain. I am good enough. I am loved. I have great friends and I can depend on people. Things are getting better and I am always improving. I am beautiful and there is so much happiness dwelling within me.

Today, in this moment I have decided to be caring nice and considerate and therefore I am. I am human and choose to humbly accept my imperfections, always doing the best that I can to be the best possible me. I am removing myself of the expectations and standards I have internalized from my old reality. I just want to love. That is enough.

Vomit on the page.

I cannot focus. All I can think about is Adam.

I have a paper due tomorrow and a midterm in 3 hours. All I can think about is him.
It's been a week since he severed the hopeful strings keeping my heart together.

Since then I've been surrounded by friends. I've cried, starved, exercised, ate chocolate and talked. Man have I talked. I've cleaned, done presentations, started a group fitness practicum, and found a new place to live - even bought a couch! I'm fairly impressed that I've kept moving, though I guess there wasn't really another option.

Now, I feel as though I've hit a wall. I have stopped moving forward. I can sleep and eat and have stopped crying. But I can't stop thinking about him. It doesn't help that I have to live with him for 2 more weeks. Originally he said he would stay with family until I moved out, but it turned out to be too much of a hassle for him. So here I am, living with my ex-boyfriend in a one bedroom apartment.

I am in love with him. Head over heels, deeply entranced. Being around him still brings me so much joy, and it confuses the shit out of me. As far as I can tell, we've been getting along great. He makes me laugh and I still get fricken butterfly's in my stomach. We flirt! Make sexual innuendos! We hug goodnight and I swear we'd still be cuddling at night or more if I didn't keep the boundaries.

He's just so used to physical contact I think it's hard for him. Especially since I'm so close and obviously deadly attractive. It kills me though because I want those things so badly. I never wanted to be away from him. He broke up with me and I feel like I'm the only one following through with his wishes. I feel like I'm breaking up with him.

I feel as though all he wants is the perks of a relationship without dealing with the reality side of it. He wants someone to cuddle and fool around with, he wants company and someone to laugh with. But that's all he wants and will accept. He treated me like shit and after he admitted that, he flat out said he just doesn't care. He said he's not interested in anything I have to say and told me he can't handle crying. He is not able to play a significant role in my life until he plays a significant role in his own.

I am an amazing girlfriend. I bake regularly, make him breakfast and lunch quite often, do all his chores, split all the bills and bought him a trip to Vegas with his friends! I am a strong, beautiful woman with a great future ahead of me. I am hard working and kind. I am flexible and love trying new things. But I am not perfect. No one is. It is not okay that he only wants the best parts of me.
If he can't handle me at my worst, he does not deserve me at my best.

I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying not to sell myself short for anything less than I deserve, but it's hard because I want him so immensely. Living with him is such a tease and creates an insane mental battle within my head as I struggle to determine what exactly is going on.

He said he needed to be single and work his own stuff out. I think that will be hard until I move out because essentially nothing has changed yet. I don't know if either of us can move on while we are under the same roof. I think we have great chemistry and honestly I think we are meant to be together. So trying to be single while under the same roof dances on the line of impossible.

We'll manage. Two weeks will be up before we realize. He broke up with me and caused me a lot of pain. I don't feel as though I should forget that so soon. I need to let myself heal before I consider getting back together with him. He needs to get his shit together before he can be with me. I really don't want to lose him, but at the time being I suppose I have already lost him. He is not mine and I am not his. I need to stop clinging to the past and focus on where we are at right now. It hurts and it is going to hurt. Life has a way of working itself out though and turning sucky situations into blessings in ways we could never imagine.

Two is better than one. :)

Update?

I have just been certified as a personal trainer. I am a waitress and the tips are pretty sweet. I'm working more than full time between the 2/3 jobs. In order to save money and stay in shape I cycle everywhere, even though I live on a mountain. So far I have just under $6000 saved for school plus $2000 in scholarships! I am going to the Philippines in less than two weeks for two weeks. I'm going to Burnaby today with one of  my best friends to start looking at places to live and getting information about the co-op program, then we're having a game night with a bunch of friends. 

My room is a mess. I have been trying to keep it clean, but it just gets away from me. I have been working out at the gym 1-2 times a week which is pathetic for a 'personal trainer.' I feel as though I am lacking in information about training due to my lack of gym time and study time, so all the money I put into the classes is a waste of money right now. I haven't even finished my group fitness certification because I haven't gone to enough group classes over the last 3 months. I've lost my house and bike keys - so I was forced to leave my bike at the last job site I was at and have been bumming my boyfriend's car off of him. I forgot to give my brother his grad gift - even though I've had 2 opportunities too. I can't keep up with the diet plan Kelsey and I have. I can't find my  phone once every 1-2 weeks. Though it sounds like I have a lot saved I'm worried I'll either go into debt or have to work too much while I'm in school as it's not enough yet to pay for my expenses. 

I love my boyfriend. Adam is far from perfect but he might likely be the sweetest guy ever. Knowing at the end of the day that I will go into his arms makes everything brighter. Honestly, when I'm with him, all of my problems are smaller or disappear because the happiness and support he offers is so overpowering. Not only am I head over heels in love with him, I trust him. I do. It's not easy for me to trust - it does take a little effort. But I feel that is okay because I'm new at this trusting boys thing. I have always focused on the fact that, me being vulnerable and them being human, mistakes and pain would ensue. However, just because he's human and has the potential, doesn't mean he's GOING to hurt me. Like a strong friendship, misunderstandings happen but you work through them and come out stronger because of how much you truly care about and need each other. I know Adam loves me for the right reasons, and I have faith that he will always be there fore me. He loves me back.